Specific advice #2: Lessons on being social and building self-respect
Here's a more grounded reality of being social and real examples
“Hey noat . So my biggest problem has to do with social aspects of my life. Basically i want to build myself to be desirable and respected. I already know how to do these things through a bunch of research but the problem is i have no way of practicing it and when i do have the opportunity it slips out of my mind and i can’t apply the things i’ve learnt and go back to my habits which then leaves me feeling like i didn’t do enough to leave an impact on someone. For context im 20 years old and about to start university. So basically i want people to like me and treat me as an equal and also to be able to easily make friends. Thanks for listening”
From what I can tell this person we’ll call M struggles with self-respect and being social obviously.
Today’s specific advice will be about building self-respect and being social.
M here explicitly told us he wanted to be desirable and be respected.
Being respected comes from 3 things:
Competence
Confidence
Charisma
They are what we’ll call the 3c’s.
If you are good at what you do and people have no choice but to come to you for help - that is competence.
If you are confident and able to proactively say things in an eloquent and articulate manner - you are confident and people respect it
If you are well liked and know how to be social - you are charismatic.
These are basically the 3 things that makes a person desirable and respected.
I already know how to do these things through a bunch of research but the problem is i have no way of practicing it and when i do have the opportunity it slips out of my mind and i can’t apply the things i’ve learnt and go back to my habits which then leaves me feeling like i didn’t do enough to leave an impact on someone
This sounds like an excuse more than truth.
You are likely scared and ashamed of talking to people. This means you either overthink too much when you’re about to practice being social and end up not doing it.
Which comes from 2 things; Low self-esteem and no self-respect.
A person with a good self-esteem does not need confidence to talk to people. He will just talk.
Why? Because he doesn’t overthink small details. His mind is clear and is not full of doubts and insecurity.
And that is your case.
Likely when you said; “i alredy know how to do these things through a bunch of research but the problem is i have no way of practicing it and when i do have the opportunity it slips out of my mind and i can’t apply the things i’ve learnt “ you have a lot of theory on what you should do but have no courage to execute it.
One thing I can think of is you watched a youtube video about being social and you’ve practiced in your mind but when it came to the real thing - you didn’t do it. You got too scared and decided it wasn’t worth it.
Which honestly all of us experiences. I didn’t become confident and charismatic without failure.
No one is born confident. It’s from practice.
And one thing I can think of why your practice isn’t working - is probably because you are targeting of practicing with women and not your fellow peers.
Before you can talk confidently to women (assuming you are a man) - you first need to talk to everyone.
You have no obligation to just cold approach women. Talk to the barber. Talk to that old grandpa. Talk to that uncle you haven’t seen in a while.
Being social and confident comes from practice and being social.
It’s comes from doing the act despite feeling fear.
What you need is to break through at least once and talk to people. It doesn’t matter if you mess up.
Do simple ones like:
Ask for direction
Ask for specific questions
Ask for help about simple stuff
You don’t have to be this super articulate person when talking.
You just need to talk. I mean just talk at least once and talk!
No need to be super eloquent and super charismatic. Just one time - ask a simple question.
Like “ do you know where is the market here?” , “Hi I have a question , where can I find a public rest room? thanks”
It’s just that. Nothing special - you just have to put yourself out there.
Theory is useless without application. You have to apply what you’ve learned (researched) and then practice it.
But even so it will not be perfect. The reason why you’re not making much progress like you think you’d do - is because you want it to be perfect.
You want people to glaze you and be this king everyone respects. I know don’t lie.
Everyone has that dream.
And you know what- that’s possible. In your case you should slowly aim for it.
Your goal right now is too big.
That’s why you aren’t able to practice. Just talk at least once! no need to overthink it.
No one’s judging you that much. It’s all in your head. When you’re about to talk to someone and fear hits - push through. That’s the first break through.
“and go back to my habits which then leaves me feeling like i didn’t do enough to leave an impact on someone.”
This is exactly the problem. Why do you want to impact someone? Like what’s your reason. Is that person your Brother, Sister, Mother, Father or your best friend? If so that’s acceptable.
But if it’s a random person - why the fuck do you want to leave an impact? Like why?
Being a good person is good and it makes society better but why always leave an impact?
Leaving an impact on someone is very hard. It’s not something you can do under a day or two. Least in one conversation.
This is exactly the problem with overthinkers - there’s no need for you to impact someone.
Like bro be normal. You aren’t a president or a celebrity.
You’re a normal person and the people you talk to are also normal. They don’t want to leave an impact on you.
Just talk normally without any agenda in your mind. You have to empty your mind when you talk to people. It’s exactly stupid reasons like “I want to leave an impact on this person while we talk“ is keeping you socially awkward.
Like calm down. If you’re a professor or a teacher that’s acceptable.
But a fellow peer? No need to leave an impact. Just talk normally. And by normally I mean just talk without thinking that you have to make this person like you or love you.
Just go and talk without any goal. That’s the best social advice. Talk without any agenda in mind.
The more you carry things inside your mind while talking to someone - the more awkward you will look.
“ and go back to my habits”
I don’t exactly know what you mean by this one - I’m guessing you’re back to blaming yourself about not being able to do it and overthinking everything again.
Self-blame and self-hate won’t get you anywhere.
Get rid of it.
“For context im 20 years old and about to start university.”
University is a battle field. The better your social skills the better you thrive. It also means if you’re smart you’ll do well. If you’re a loner and smart you’ll do fine.
If you’re a loner and aren’t smart - your uni life will be shit unless you find a group you can rely on early.
In university you have no true friends. Your real friends in uni will come from those you know in high school years.
Everyone in university is fully grown. That means most people there are fake or are either too damage with their broken life.
You may not understand but university is like working on a job. You have colleagues but no friends.
You may get along but never bond deeply. People will play social games and if you lose even once - you get a unseen label.
"So basically i want people to like me and treat me as an equal and also to be able to easily make friends. Thanks for listening"
Here’s a real advice no one will tell you when you step on university: Give up on making friends and become exceptional instead.
This means become the most disciplined guy, the smartest guy, the most responsible guy and the most well liked person.
This is hard to do but achievable.
Do you know why most uni student are treated like shit?
Well it’s usually because they are:
Irresponsible
Cannot control what they say, likes to spread rumors, starts fights for no reason and get hated later
Does not contribute to the group properly leading to isolation because you are useless.
You said you want everyone to respect you.
Well here you go something people will always respect: “competence”.
Being good at what you do will always make people respect you.
This also means you do not allow yourself to be disrespected and just eat whatever they want you to do.
This means you also set up proper boundaries and live your uni life like you’re working a job.
I say give up the idea of making a best friend in uni.
Your real friends will come from before those years. Well the probability isn’t zero that you find no real friend but everyone in uni is out there to graduate.
They aren’t there to enjoy life and party all weekend unless you are surrounded by idiots.
It’s also a different scenario whether the university you went to is at least A tier.
With universities that are less well known - you can basically just sift through without a care and still graduate.
However if you choose to do this - your life in adulthood will be miserable. The choice is yours.
Your life continues after university. Do not waste your time.
If your goal is just to live your uni life normally and have normal experience do this:
Be responsible
Study on time
Pass all your subjects
Don’t gossip or join fights
When people try to pick on you which they will - treat them like a ghost and never react, if they get physical report them (a punch will be satisfying but has real consequences, reporting them makes the case easier to solve). You can easily defend yourself since you didn’t touch them. This is university life not high school life. If violence breaks out there are real consequences. Your all adults there. Remember that.
Doo your best to pass and not create problems.
Control what you say
Assume that everyone is not your true friend (this gets rid of benovelent expectations)
Your worse case scenario here is you end up as a loner. Which is highly unlikely. You will have a group. Identify them early. Do not be the guy who tries to be friends with everyone. If you do get end up being bullied which I don’t think happens with university life - but if it does happen just stay away from that group and make excuses.
Never join their chats, never join them while eating, never follow their orders, never follow anything they say. And best of all - when they do try to pick on you with passive aggressive behavior - ignore them and shrug them off (never rely on them as well be responsible).
If you have no reaction they will move on. Stand your ground - you’ll be scared but you’ll be fine.
People only like to bully others to feel strong and see a reaction.
I’ve always seen it and observed how it plays out.
There’s always a group that will always bully one person. And that person just lets it happen because they are like a flea trapped in an open jar (boy or girl it happens).
They think they cannot make friends with other people so they stuck with that group.
And to tell you - being alone is so much better than being with a group who does nothing but disrespect you.
Your self-respect and confidence deteriorates fast when you allow people to walk all over you. You signal to yourself as someone below them by continuing to hanging out with a group that does nothing but stomp on your dignity. You are lucky if you land in a class where everyone is reasonable and not straight up an asshole.
If you really want to enjoy uni life find one person instead as a friend. Like someone you’ve identified as good person. You two will do great.
No need to be friends with everyone - go for quality instead of quantity. A friend of everyone is a friend of none. You should get along with everyone but only for a smooth uni life.
Verbal bullying usually happens in low class degrees. In hard to pass like degrees like law, medicine, engineering, bullying is unlikely to happen since people there are intelligent (I can talk about this for hours).
But can still happen since they’ll have a big ego.
Your best case scenario here is you live your life like a normal college student. Don’t be the one that wants everyone to respect them. The more you try hard to be respected the more it will back fire. You will look desperate for attention and needy.
Be responsible, study so you can answer the professors questions (and pass exams) be disciplined and you’ll do well.
Being exceptional makes people come and respect you. That’ll give you a much better result if you want respect. Be superior than everyone - not an equal but pretend like you’re all equal.
That is how you build real respect.
That’s all
See you next time
-Noat
PS: If you’re using substack feel free to send me a DM re reply to this letter if you have any questions. This time I’ll respond on time.